Ensnared in Destiny
by Merry Masquerade
Summary: Kikyou's reflections on her existence. Angsty oneshot.


Disclaimer: I own Inuyasha. Yeah, right. In my dreams.

A.N.: Hi everybody nice enough to be here. Debut fic, really nervous... well, _I_ think its good... Can't exactly speak for you, though...

FYI, writing a sympathetic fic in the POV of a character you don't like that much (as in, y'know, hate?)- Not that easy.

Anyway, this is basically Kikyou's reasoning/logic/reflection (whatever you want to call it) when it comes to her life... death... afterlife...? (You know what I mean).

Enjoy!

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**Ensnared in Destiny**

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I have spent my entire existence searching for an escape.

One may not believe it by looking at the cool, regal, self-assured priestess that I have trained myself to be, but it is true. I have been searching for something almost since birth.

As a young girl, I searched for a way to leave the wretched peasant life I had been born into. The deaths of my parents and the birth of my sister only strengthened my resolve.

I traveled, I worked, I begged, I scrounged, and all the while kept searching. There was rarely enough food, but I refused to steal. Because of this, little Kaede nearly starved. Guilt consumed me.

This was when I learned to meet my needs last. I provided for my sister first, going hungry often, and still I searched.

And on the eve of my tenth year, I found.

He was a traveling monk, a holy man. He read fortunes and exorcised demons for a living. He found that I held the power of a miko, and offered to train me. I agreed to only on the condition that he cared for my sister as well. It took me only five years to master the art of purifying demons. In that time, I practically worshipped him.

Knowing what I know now, I am tempted to spit on his name.

The rational part of me knows that it is not his fault that he died, or that the demon slayers entrusted me with the Shikon no Tama... but sometimes I wish that he had just left me on the streets, so that I never came in contact with that accursed Jewel.

For now I was trapped again. Trapped in a destiny for which I had no desire.

I had settled in the village of Edo just before receiving this burden, and the people were suspicious of such a young miko sent to protect them from demons. After the Jewel of Four Souls made its home there, youkai practically flooded the area.

It only took the death of one child to assure me that I had to be _perfect_ to keep them at bay.

I locked my doubts away, knowing that they would only slow me down, and knowing that hesitation would cost even more innocent lives. I trained harder than ever, sacrificed far more than before, reinforced the generosity in my heart- casting aside my own desires- and finally became the protector that the Shikon Jewel required, that the villagers wanted, and the children deserved.

It was this generosity that would eventually kill me. But I did not know it yet...

All this time, never being able to pause or err in my actions, as any human must do, I began to suffocate. This was a life that I did not want- the pressure to be infallible was far too great. But I could not abandon my duty...

And so again, I searched.

The solution came to me again; not in a holy man, but in a thieving hanyou.

Do not be mistaken- I did not wish to use him. When he came to steal the Shikon, I merely recognized in him a deep loneliness, and need for companionship that I had always felt. Perhaps we could solve each other's problems? We would not be lonely anymore... I could escape that part of my unfavorable destiny, at least. I would still have to be perfect- oh, how I hated that word! - But perhaps...

It was a mistake that made me realize simple companionship was not enough.

I was careless. I stumbled on the dock. Had I been in battle with a youkai, I would be long dead before I even hit the ground. He caught me. Inuyasha caught me. For a moment I froze... but there was a craving inside my deprived heart too deep to ignore. So I embraced him. And to my shock, horror, and elation, he returned the gesture. Mikos are sworn to the Kamis. I had never touched a man like this.

I liked it. It seemed that he did too. Perhaps, now, I wouldn't have to be so perfect anymore...?

I had found the answer.

I convinced him to become a full human instead of the youkai he had planned to be. This good wish would purify the Jewel out of existence, and there would be no more need for me to guard it. I would no longer be a miko... just a regular woman, free to live and raise a family. He seemed reluctant at first, but he was so desperate for affection that my promise of marriage eventually swayed him.

I told myself I loved him. I told myself we could be happy together.

Perhaps I truly did feel for him... Or did I only love the fact that he could save me from my fate...? I will never truly know. My happiness at freedom, at the chance for the life I had always wanted, blinded me to all else- even the truth- made me even more careless.

His name was Onigumo.

He was a bandit that I found one day, body burned beyond recognition or mobility. I took pity on him, my foolish generous heart getting the better of me. In secret, I nursed him in a cave deep inside the forest. He had suffered enough, and I knew the villagers would have killed a bandit like him given the chance. My sister warned me that he was twisted, lusting after me and wishing to corrupt the Jewel. I assured her that he would never have the chance, and to let him die- for he was surely dying- in peace.

I had a new life to look forward to, and the problem would solve itself eventually.

I know now how wrong I was.

On the very day Inuyasha and I were to begin our lives together, he appeared to me- though not how I expected. I was walking through the meadow, whiling away the hours until our meeting. So blissful... So carefree... So foolish...

I was cut down from behind.

By my beloved Inuyasha.

He stole the Shikon Jewel from me, literally adding insult to injury.

Traitor.

TRAITOR!

I was dying. I knew that. My dreams of happiness were fleeing my soul more quickly than my lifeblood was my body.

No.

I would not go until my duty was fulfilled. I had to protect the Jewel.

I had to kill Inuyasha.

And so I did.

It took my last ounce of strength to seal him to the Goshinboku with my sacred arrow. My time in this life was over. Unless... No. I would not use the Jewel to prolong my life. My love was dead. I had nothing else to live for except despair and the sting of betrayal clouding my future.

Death was also an escape of sorts.

I ordered the Shikon no Tama burned with my body, so that it would endanger no other human life ever again.

It is all my stupid copy's fault.

Reincarnation is a cruel, cruel thing, for fate has a twisted sense of humor. I had given it everything, and it still would refuse me rest. My soul was passed on to a clumsy, foolish, ignorant, naive little creature that unsealed the betrayer and shattered the Jewel, spreading its evil everywhere. Of course... I do not hate the girl. Not directly. She was, after all, caged in an unwanted fate- like myself.

I just hate the fact that I have been trapped again.

Trapped in a life I do not want and thought I gave up long ago; trapped in a disgraceful body that a demon witch cobbled together from my ashes and grave soil.

The fact that the traitor was there when I awoke did nothing to improve my mood.

I must admit I lost my temper, trying to kill him outright. I even threatened my dear, sweet, baby sister when she defended him. I did not even recognize her, old and withered as she was. Fifty years had passed...

My copy- Kagome? - showed her power by calling her soul back into her body.

Never mind I needed it to animate mine.

I had to flee, before the remainder of my soul was stolen from me. Through the haze of pain I realized that the hanyou followed me. I stumbled. Right off a cliff. Stupid. Careless. Inuyasha... He... he tried to... save... me...?

I awoke realizing that I was once again on the verge of death. I would have gone, happily, but...

I could not allow the Jewel to fall into the wrong hands. I could not allow any more innocents to suffer because of my copy's stupidity.

I then realized that something was wrong.

I could not sustain myself. I found that I needed to absorb the souls of dead women into my body to compensate for the majority of mine that the girl had stolen from me. These women's' spirits would never rest, so long as I was nourished by them.

I am trapped in an existence I loathe... and I am condemning others to the same fate.

I am no better than that traitor. That half-breed. Inuyasha. The one that I love. As close as I could ever come to love.

I tried to live as I had before... but it was not to be. So again I searched for a way out of my predicament, wondering if this was to be my fate for all eternity. Hopping from one wretched lifestyle to another?

But no... I will be reincarnated... as that fool.

So, yet again, I searched for an answer.

I could force myself to be selfish... drag my would-be companion and lover down to Hell with me... My time here was over; that is truly where I belonged.

Perhaps...?

She stumbled onto my hiding place before he did. She cares for him, I could see. Perhaps even loves him. Truly loves him. I would not allow her to interfere.

She told me that my death was not his doing. Of course it was. But I was willing to overlook that. I just wished not to be alone. Despite my attempts to ignore her, she proceeded to have the nerve to inform _me_ about _my_ life.

Apparently Onigumo made a pact with a thousand demons, and became the hanyou Naraku, the one who struck me down.

Foolish girl. I was there! I remember exactly what happened! It was Inuyasha!

But... if Naraku was a shape-shifter...

No. If... Even if this was true... Had I not been so fixated on my thoughts of Inuyasha, Naraku would not have had the chance to slay me. This demon was no concern of mine. I would _not_ be dragged into another conflict. I am sick of everything. Let my copy deal with it. She broke the Jewel, after all.

As for Inuyasha...

I thought I had followed him into death. Now I would make him follow me. Would it really be so terrible there, if only we were together...? Was this the solution I had been searching for?

No. He broke my kiss- my first and only kiss- to run to the sound of my _copy's_ voice.

It was clear to me then that my plans would not work on him. Yet. So in the meantime I will defeat this demon Naraku; after all, Fate only sees fit to punish me when I try to escape it.

I have met Inuyasha many times since, under varying circumstances, and yet he is always loyal to _her_, never forsaking her...

Why could he not be that way to _me_?

Has he forgotten me so _easily_?

Has he moved on _already_?

But I thought...

No. He loves her. I can see it in his eyes.

Guilt, duty, and memories are the only things that tie him to me now.

And love is a much stronger bond than that.

Our relationship is a shadow of its former glory.

My copy has surpassed me in almost every aspect... keeping her innocence and happiness still. But he will not go with her- out of duty to avenge and protect me.

It is the only comfort I have now.

My only hope is that his honor is stronger than his heart...

Yes, it sounds moronic even to my ears. But I must hope. I refuse to leave this life without him by my side.

At this rate I will be tied here forever.

And so still, even in death, I am searching for an escape.

But now... I realize...

I am nothing but a shadow. A shadow of my _copy_ in his eyes. A shadow of my former self to everyone who knew me.

And shadows can never escape the path of their master's footsteps.

I am trapped.

I have stopped searching.

There is no escape.

**Owari**

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**Terms**:

Miko- priestess

Shikon no Tama- Jewel of Four Souls

Youkai- demon

Hanyou- half-demon

Goshinboku- God Tree

Kami- a Shinto (that's an old Japanese religion) god

Owari- The End

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So... whatcha think? Do you demand more? Think it's just beginners luck? Do I need more practice? Was Kikyou OOC? I honestly don't know until you tell me. But seriously, constructive criticism is great. For those of you who didn't know, that's a very polite way of saying no flaming, please.

Thanks for reading!

Peace and love,

**Movie-CaffineAddict**


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